Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 9
10/12/13 at 13:26 EST

"But you see, International Broadcast Copyright Protection laws on Earth don't apply here," Pirohiko reasoned with Etranger as I began paying attention to a conversation I couldn't care less about. Given that my ability to pay attention to what they were discussing implied that nothing in the immediate vicinity was trying to kill me, I accepted it as a welcomed change of pace.

"That doesn't matter!" she bit back. "How the hell would telepathically broadcasting Pay-Per-View movies into the retinas of Bizarro Earth denizens help anyone with anything?!"

"Well..." Pirohiko put his thinking cap on, which I discovered was literally a Poker visor with the letters "Thinking" etched into it. "We could charge them a small fee for the service, which we could use to buy equipment and all sorts of technology that will help the Unlosing Ranger in his battle against Darkdeath Evilman!"

Etranger smacked Pirohiko in the back of his head. "That is the dumbest..." she paused, fist still at the ready. Pirohiko also paused. He was cowering more-so than pausing, really. "Wait," Etranger whispered. "Somebody's here..."

My grip tightened on the frying pan I had been using to defend myself up to this point. I found the Wok underneath the corpse of a morbidly obese ravenous dog, and thought it'd be better if I just took it without asking questions.

There was a loud banging sound echoing from a cavern up ahead. It sounded like someone was mining, or constructing a machine, or fixing a carburetor. Then, the cries of a whiny old man followed.

"That's it!" Etranger declared, taking off toward the source of the noises. "Let's go see him!"

"See who?" Pirohiko asked. He took off his thinking cap and put it back on again.

Etranger let this one slide. "Gaspacho!"

I get the feeling I'm about to get dragged into something. I should probably pay attention this time. Knowing what to expect has been bad enough so far, but the surprises tend to be far, far worse.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 8
10/12/09 at 13:23 EST

Yup. I'm regretting those words alright.

The volcano-turned-dungeon that Etranger, Pirohiko and I traversed was made up of several floors that burrowed underground, but neither of them told me what to expect when we got to the bottom. Or, maybe they did...I wasn't paying much attention to their laid back conversations. The anthropomorphic wolves and violently angry cacti determined to observe the effects a wooden spoon had in the human digestive system when inserted through the rectal cavity was too distracting to me. It didn't help with my fear of monkeys, either.

"Would you hurry it up, already!" Etranger screamed out of nowhere as we strolled leisurely along a precariously narrow bridge. "If you two don't get a move on, our target for this mission is going to die, just like he did back on Earth!"

Evidently, I'm missing something. Pirohiko and I both stopped and stared at her.

She stared back. I think I saw a vein pop out on her forehead. "Have you two morons not registered a single word I've said?!"

I nodded slowly, indicating that Etranger and I were on the same page, whether or not it was truth, which it wasn't. Pirohiko folded his arms. "Oh, our target?" he replied. "Of course. In addition to helping the Unlosing Ranger train, we're here to help, that's right...help...that...one guy!"

Etranger scowled.


"Gaspacho!" she shouted back.

"That's it!" Pirohiko replied, snapping his fingers triumphantly. "We're here to help Gaspacho! Which is...a...recipe for a spicy mexican dish?" He scratched his head. Either he had just confused himself, or wanted to demonstrate his uncertainty. "Am I close?"

"Jose Gaspacho!" Etranger threw her arms down exasperatedly. "The old man that this lame excuse for a hero let die of shock by failing to live up to his reputation when fighting with - or should I say fleeing from - Darkdeath Evilman! Remember now?"

I folded my arms in thought alongside Pirohiko. Jose Gaspacho. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, now I know - I haven't. I think.

"You know," Pirohiko murmured. "I'm not one to forget somebody, but that name definitely isn't ringing any bells. What exactly are you talking about?"

"You know what? I'll just show you - it's better than trying to burrow an explanation into your thick skulls."

And then something strange happened.

Before my very eyes, the interior of the volcano vanished, and I saw in front of me a hospital room. A young girl - she looked about my age - stood mournfully next to a sick old man. The man looked absolutely mortified, his eyes fixed on a television set up above his hospital bed.

"He lost," the old man groaned. "I...can't believe it. The Unlosing Ranger can't lose...All is lost!"

"Grandpa!" the girl cried.

His vital signs on a nearby health monitor began to drop as his look of shock melted into one of resignation.

"Grandpa, no!"

The view of the hospital faded back into the volcano I was growing accustomed to.

"Wh-what the hell was that!?" Pirohiko blurted, a look of shock now evident on his face. "I just saw a video unfold right before my very eyes!"

"Like I said," Etranger replied. "It was easier to just show you. I intercepted radio-wave signals being broadcast from Earth and transported the images directly into your retinas."

That doesn't explain why I was able to hear what the girl and the old man were saying.

"That's amazing!" Pirohiko declared. "You mean, we can watch Satellite TV for free?!"

Etranger looked as though she was about to rip her hair out. "That is not the point I wanted you to get!"

Nor does it make any god damned sense.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 7
10/12/08 at 22:01 EST

I'm going to try to collect my thoughts, here.

While I was getting groceries one day - that's today, actually - I was a witness to a car accident in which a strangely-dressed pedestrian lost his life. In his dying breaths he forced an ugly, over-sized belt and a huge responsibility onto me - one I never asked for.

After he dies, I find myself on the set of a bizarre media-recording-in-progress in which a giant in a metal lion suit wants to kill me for dressing like a Saturday-morning-cartoon Super Hero. There's also a magical baby there, for some reason, floating in the air, watching.

The next part is a little blurry and I can't remember what happened. But the next thing I know, I wake up on a hunk of metal shaped like a bed in Outer Space, where some bratty kid in a bunny hat, Etranger, and the man I watched die that afternoon, Pirohiko, squabble to one another about sending me into some "dungeon that even a monkey could beat" because I need to "train" so that I can defeat "the final boss, Darkdeath Evilman".

I knew they were crazy just for thinking that up. So here I am, in a damned volcano, dressed like a Saturday-morning-cartoon Super Hero, running for my life as I'm being chased by unintelligible men in gimp suits.

And Pirohiko and Etranger thought it would be a great idea if they followed me in.

I will regret these words, but I'd like to see what unbelievable nonsense comes my way next.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 6
10/12/06 at 13:25 EST

The bratty girl and the dead guy continued their conversation, and I continued to phase in and out; I wasn't really paying attention to anything until either of them spoke about me. Or to me. I wasn't really paying attention.

My attention didn't kick back into the On position until the girl whined, "Just who the hell are you, anyway? I don't remember inviting a bonehead like you in!"

I swallowed quickly and opened my mouth. "Pirohiko," the dead man told her. "I'm his guardian angel! Where he goes, I go."

Great. First he forces this gaudy belt on me and makes me take part in a dangerous play - one of the lead roles, in fact - and now he's committed his wandering soul to stalking me.

"His guardian angel?!" she asked. More like shouted, really. She threw her hands up in frustration. "Since when do heroes need guardian angels? The Unlosing Ranger, no less!"

"Hey, go easy on him!" Pirohiko countered, stepping forward in my defense. "He's just...he's a little rusty, that's all. You just need some training, isn't that right?" He looked at me with a re-assuring grin. I looked at him with sheer confusion. "Where's the Master?" he continued, turning his focus once again on the brat. "We need her to prepare a training course for him, as soon as possible!"

"I've already gone ahead and done that!" the girl exclaimed, clenching a triumphant fist. She still irritates me. "Dungeon Master Etranger has everything taken care of!"

She did not just say what I think she said.

I'm starting to think I might have been slightly off the mark with that whole "Theater Performance" assumption, but I'll cling to that illusion for as long as possible.

"Etranger, huh? When did you take over for the Master, anyway?"

The dead man is not helping it.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 5
10/12/01 at 23:30 EST

I decided to go talk to the bratty girl. It wasn't much of a decision; she was the only person on the entire space platform. There was also a penguin standing in front of a dilapidated shack, but I didn't like the way it stared at me with those lifeless, beady eyes it had, and I figured talking to a penguin wouldn't teach me anything I didn't already know.

I didn't exactly talk to the bratty girl, either. As I drew close enough for her to notice me, she exploded into a mess of words, complaining about how I sleep too much and how I'm "more feeble and timid in person", whatever that's supposed to mean. She talked a lot about a lot of things I didn't listen to.

"You need to train!" she cried, holding her fist to the sky - or stars, I suppose. I continued to stare at her; a response she wasn't satisfied with. "You're a wimp!" she continued. "You can't save the world if you're such a weakling! Darkdeath Evilman knocked you dead with one swipe! How pathetic is that!?" She was staring me down, despite being of smaller stature. She demanded an answer.

"That's not true! That's not true at all!" That response wasn't from my voice. I turned around to see who had discourteously barged into the conversation.

It was the man I saw die earlier. Just what the hell has happened?

"Darkdeath Evilman didn't knock him out," the man continued, folding his arms. "When he tried to run away from Darkdeath Evilman, he tripped and hit his head on a rock, remember? That's what knocked him out!"

I shouldn't have asked what the hell happened.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 4
10/11/23 at 23:03 EST

Woke up on something shaped and painted like a bed. It's made of solid metal, though. My back hurts now.

I'm not sure what time it is. I thought it was night time since the sky is dark and full of stars, but apparently that's just because I'm on a platform in Space. There's some bratty kid here, too. She's wearing a ridiculous bunny-eared hat and a gaudy, over-sized clock pendant the size of her entire midsection. She's probably obnoxious.

I want to get out of this "bed" I'm on and try to figure out what's going on, but I'm worried that if I do, the bratty kid will want to talk to me. She acts pretty spoiled, now that I think about it, so maybe she's just some rich kid with an elaborate playpen. Not sure why it's in Outer Space though, and I'm even less sure why I'm in it. Maybe it's just another set for that play, or whatever.

I'm still dressed in this silly outfit. As I had guessed, I was supposed to fight that giant lion man in an "apocalyptic battle to determine the fate of the Earth", but I didn't know what my cues were, and one swing of his big metal costume must have knocked me out. Maybe I should get up after all, and find out what's happening with the rest of the play. And learn the choreography for the next time around.
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heros diary still going
10/11/22 at 22:20 EST

the lion man was big

big hands like a truck that hit that one guy who died

i feel the taste of metal water

some brat made me lie down to sleep

i am not a kid any more

where am i

my head hurts so im sleeping until later
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Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 2
10/11/19 at 13:38 EST

My parents were arguing again when I came home with the groceries. I did my best not to cross their paths as they barked at each other from the common room. I quickly put the groceries away and headed back outside. I didn't quite make it back to the front door quietly enough, however, and heard my father yell from the other room, "Hey, you! Did you get everything we asked for?". I leaned into the doorway to the common room and gave him an affirmative nod, but he didn't look as pleased as I was expecting him to. Still, he dismissed me and turned back to my mother, which I took as my cue to leave. The last thing I heard from him was a dejected sigh and the comment, "What the hell is wrong with your son?"

As I stepped outside again, I noticed the afternoon sky darken briefly as the sun dipped behind some passing clouds. The park is just down the street and around the corner...

It turns out my assumptions from that man were correct: not only are there other strangely dressed characters standing in the center of the park, there's a full-blown news team, camera crew, and studio audience. One of the actors (or maybe it's just a prop, I can't really be sure) is an infant child, but it's levitating rather convincingly. I can't see the strings, and there's no support rails overhead. Whatever this performance is about, it looks at least somewhat-expensive. And that means I could get paid, unless that man from before required payment up front before accepting the job he didn't show up for.

Everybody seems to have been expecting me - as I drew closer, the news caster - a rather attractive blond woman (of course) - pointed at me and shouted, "There he is!" Can't they tell that I'm not the man they were expecting? He was like, a foot taller than me, for starters, and he didn't wear glasses, and...

And...I just noticed that I'm already in costume. When the hell did that happen? These gloves, this cape...there's a helmet on my head, too! I look like some kind of comic book super-hero or something. I guess that's what this play is about? It would explain the ten-foot-tall anthropomorphic lion creature dressed in a full suit of armour. I'm supposed to battle this guy to save that floating baby, I guess. I hope the choreography has been substituted out for flashy CGI, otherwise I'm going to have to improvise on everything I'm supposed to do.

Yup, sounds like I am playing a super hero - the news caster just declared that "The Unlosing Ranger has arrived at last!". That name sounds familiar: Unlosing Ranger. I think my little sister watches that show.

Oh, no. Did I just watch a famous person die?

I should have asked for his autograph. It would have been worth a fortune, being the last one he ever wrote. Then I wouldn't have to be a part of this silly show. I better hurry up and take my position - that lion guy doesn't look like the patient type. I'm going to have to figure this out as I go.
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Hero's Diary: Day 1
10/11/18 at 13:00 EST

I was involved in a car accident today. Even though I was only playing the role of the observer, I've got the uncomfortable feeling that my life will forever be changed.

My parents had asked me pick up some groceries from the corner store a few blocks from where we live in a small suburb. It was as routine a task as it always had been. Bags in hand, I crossed the street at the crosswalk just as the lights were changing against my favour. As I stepped onto the sidewalk on the other side of the street and began heading home, the sound of blaring car horns caught my attention and I turned around to see a strangely-dressed man running across the street in a frenzy, forcing a nearby sedan to slam on the brakes and honk irritably.

The man continued his senseless dash across the street, waving apologetically to the motorist, when he collided with a red SUV speeding by in the other direction. His body bounced rather humorously off the hood of the car and he spiraled like a ragdoll through the air in a graceful arc, eventually landing on the sidewalk near my position.

I was shocked. Even more so, when I realised that he wasn't dead. He was unable to stand, but turned his head toward me, pleading not for my assistance, but my attention. I considered declining him politely - I had to bring the groceries home, the sooner the better. Nobody likes warm milk, after all. Before I was able to bow out, however, the man removed his belt and held it up to me. The gesture was almost as strange as the belt, which had a gaudy red buckle on it the size of a Sega Game Gear, and an even gaudier yellow "V" emblazoned on it, which I'm sure poked into his stomach irritably every time the man bent down to tie his shoes.

The wounded man, in his dying breaths, asked me to take his belt, and that "the fate of the world depends on it!". I clearly saw the SUV hit his midsection, but I wondered if he had also fallen on his head, whether it be before or after the accident. I gave him a confused look, I'm sure. I showed him my grocery bags, indicating that I had other obligations to fulfill, but his persistence and reach were baffling, and he forced the belt into my arms. He then went on to talk about some superhero infant and a demon general having a "showdown" in a park down the street from where I happen to live. Is that some sort of play that he wants me to participate in, in his stead? I was about to ask him about it, but he collapsed. Dead.

I sighed heavily - how was I going to carry the belt and my groceries at the same time? I looked down at my arms, and the belt cradled in them. It actually matched my red jumpsuit rather nicely, so I decided to just wear the belt and carry the groceries home. Nobody else was around to ask questions, so I decided to head on my way. Maybe I'll check out that play once the groceries are in the fridge where they belong. It might even be a paying job, which would be great, considering my parents didn't actually give me any money to buy these groceries with.
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[Error code 27: Exception.TransmissionStackOverflowException]
10/11/18 at 00:55 EST

Unhandled Exception 'e' in Z:\WHS\Link.exe: Stack full. This may be caused by an unresponsive network, a disconnect from the server, or an unbounded read. Network will attempt to re-initialize. Exception details to follow...

Network.TransmissionStackOverflowException: Transmission container unable to support additional messages.
at #1e.#3c.#lW(Object , EventArgs )
at #Fd.#Ed.#du(Reference )
at #Dd.#Ujb.Add()
at Microware.Framework.Network.Initialize(Object msgStack)
at Microware.Framework.Main(Object obj)

. . .
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