Hero's Diary: Day 1, Part 8
10/12/09 at 13:23 EST

Yup. I'm regretting those words alright.

The volcano-turned-dungeon that Etranger, Pirohiko and I traversed was made up of several floors that burrowed underground, but neither of them told me what to expect when we got to the bottom. Or, maybe they did...I wasn't paying much attention to their laid back conversations. The anthropomorphic wolves and violently angry cacti determined to observe the effects a wooden spoon had in the human digestive system when inserted through the rectal cavity was too distracting to me. It didn't help with my fear of monkeys, either.

"Would you hurry it up, already!" Etranger screamed out of nowhere as we strolled leisurely along a precariously narrow bridge. "If you two don't get a move on, our target for this mission is going to die, just like he did back on Earth!"

Evidently, I'm missing something. Pirohiko and I both stopped and stared at her.

She stared back. I think I saw a vein pop out on her forehead. "Have you two morons not registered a single word I've said?!"

I nodded slowly, indicating that Etranger and I were on the same page, whether or not it was truth, which it wasn't. Pirohiko folded his arms. "Oh, our target?" he replied. "Of course. In addition to helping the Unlosing Ranger train, we're here to help, that's right...help...that...one guy!"

Etranger scowled.

"...Girl?"

"Gaspacho!" she shouted back.

"That's it!" Pirohiko replied, snapping his fingers triumphantly. "We're here to help Gaspacho! Which is...a...recipe for a spicy mexican dish?" He scratched his head. Either he had just confused himself, or wanted to demonstrate his uncertainty. "Am I close?"

"Jose Gaspacho!" Etranger threw her arms down exasperatedly. "The old man that this lame excuse for a hero let die of shock by failing to live up to his reputation when fighting with - or should I say fleeing from - Darkdeath Evilman! Remember now?"

I folded my arms in thought alongside Pirohiko. Jose Gaspacho. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, now I know - I haven't. I think.

"You know," Pirohiko murmured. "I'm not one to forget somebody, but that name definitely isn't ringing any bells. What exactly are you talking about?"

"You know what? I'll just show you - it's better than trying to burrow an explanation into your thick skulls."

And then something strange happened.

Before my very eyes, the interior of the volcano vanished, and I saw in front of me a hospital room. A young girl - she looked about my age - stood mournfully next to a sick old man. The man looked absolutely mortified, his eyes fixed on a television set up above his hospital bed.

"He lost," the old man groaned. "I...can't believe it. The Unlosing Ranger can't lose...All is lost!"

"Grandpa!" the girl cried.

His vital signs on a nearby health monitor began to drop as his look of shock melted into one of resignation.

"Grandpa, no!"

The view of the hospital faded back into the volcano I was growing accustomed to.

"Wh-what the hell was that!?" Pirohiko blurted, a look of shock now evident on his face. "I just saw a video unfold right before my very eyes!"

"Like I said," Etranger replied. "It was easier to just show you. I intercepted radio-wave signals being broadcast from Earth and transported the images directly into your retinas."

That doesn't explain why I was able to hear what the girl and the old man were saying.

"That's amazing!" Pirohiko declared. "You mean, we can watch Satellite TV for free?!"

Etranger looked as though she was about to rip her hair out. "That is not the point I wanted you to get!"

Nor does it make any god damned sense.
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Tagged under: ZHP
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